August Advent, part 12: What? Why? and Who Am I?

When I couldn’t sleep at 2am I started to explore a lot of “Why and Why Not” questions about this delay in getting visas. And for me, these questions also lead to a lot of “What If” questions and planning for contingencies based upon a myriad of outcomes over the coming weeks.

I finally fell asleep, but I woke up exhausted - and frustrated. Why is there such a delay? What could God be doing in all this? Doesn’t God understand about the kids starting school? What about housing and vehicle use over the coming weeks?

I had a friend ask if I got angry with God yet. “Yes.” I replied. And since he’s a pastor he also asked I got Psalms Angry. What I thought about was, “Well, yes, but tempered with Job.”

I had another friend text me about our delay: “Does God have yelp? Two Stars, unacceptable.” That made me laugh, because it put some snarky humor into how I felt.

And I’m of two thoughts - I want to be mad, but I don’t know if I should be mad. Or am I misdirecting my anger…

On one hand I could get mad at God, yet on the other hand I have to acknowledge that I’m probably more mad at unmet expectations. I had expected things to go a certain way, and they didn’t - that’s not God’s fault.

I question myself with questions inspired by the Book of Job - where was I when foundations of the earth were laid? from where does the wind come? where is the snow’s home? How many sunrises and sunsets happened before I was born?

I don’t have answers to these. And yet I can still ask the questions because they give voice to my emotions and my care for my kids. The questions are part of prayer.

As a refrain to all these things, I have a Proverb going through my mind - one that has marked my paths since I can remember. “Trust in the Lord with everything I am, and do not rely on my own understanding.”

I do not dismiss my frustration, disappointment or anger. I am not trying to let God off the hook. Rather, I need to remember that Who I Am is tied up with Whose I Am. I want to frame myself within the reality that God constantly works for good, God invites us to join that work, and through all these things - we can trust that God will not leave us or give up on us.

Unmet expectations, not getting answers we wanted, not understanding the why can leave each of us worn out by the emotional roller coasters. Yet we also know we do not make our journeys alone because we have each other - share your story with others, pray for each other, get angry together, and laugh together. Finally, remember that God promises to be with us always, wherever the journey might lead.

Alleluia. Amen.